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If you’ve made the difficult decision to go no-contact with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, chances are you didn’t make that choice lightly. You probably agonized over it, weighed every possible alternative, and spent countless hours trying to salvage the relationship. And yet, if you’ve heard your parent say they were “completely blindsided” by your decision, you might find yourself shaking your head in disbelief.

Here’s the truth: I don’t believe parents who claim to be blindsided when their child cuts ties. And I say that with deep compassion for what you’ve gone through, because I know firsthand that getting to the point of no-contact is rarely sudden, and it’s never easy.

No-Contact is Never the First Option

For so many of you, the decision to go no-contact comes after years of trying to make the relationship work. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to therapy. You’ve tried setting boundaries, articulating your needs, and giving your parent every opportunity to change.

But when those efforts are ignored, dismissed, or met with rage, you’re left with no choice but to prioritize your mental health and emotional safety. No-contact isn’t about punishment—it’s about self-preservation.

The idea that your parent didn’t see it coming can feel maddening. After all, how could they not? They’ve seen you pull back, witnessed your frustration, and heard you repeatedly express how their behavior affects you. The signs were there, but they weren’t ready—or willing—to acknowledge them.

Why the “Blindsided” Narrative Doesn’t Add Up

When a parent claims to be blindsided, what they’re really saying is that they didn’t take your concerns seriously. They may have heard you say, “I need you to stop crossing this boundary,” but instead of listening, they dismissed it as dramatic or overly sensitive. They may have noticed your growing distance but chose to attribute it to you being “too busy” for them or blame outside influences like your partner.

For parents with traits of borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, self-reflection is often limited by a deep need to protect their fragile sense of self. Admitting fault feels intolerable, so they avoid accountability by focusing on how “ungrateful” or “cruel” you’ve been instead of considering their role in the breakdown of the relationship.

The Echo Chamber of Social Media

Unfortunately, social media often amplifies this victim narrative. Many estranged parents find themselves in online communities where they receive endless validation for their perspective. These groups become echo chambers, reinforcing the idea that the child is the problem and the parent is the victim. It absolves parents of all responsibility, when in fact, a parent always has more responsibility in managing the relationship with their child.

For someone like your parent, who may already struggle with seeing things from another perspective, these environments can make self-reflection even harder. Instead of asking, What did I do that hurt my child?, they double down on blaming you for the estrangement.

You’re Not Wrong for Breaking the Cycle

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a cycle breaker. You’re someone who looked at the dysfunction in your family and said, This ends with me. You’re working to heal yourself, redefine what healthy relationships look like, and build a life free from the chaos and pain that shaped your childhood.

Being a cycle breaker is hard. It means walking away from the narrative you were raised with—loyalty at all costs, silence about family issues, and the expectation that you tolerate harmful behavior because “family is family.”

But breaking the cycle doesn’t mean you don’t love your parent or that you didn’t try hard enough. It means you love yourself enough to stop participating in a dynamic that was hurting you.

You Know, and I Know, Your Therapist Didn’t “Convince” You of Anything

If your parent has ever accused your therapist of brainwashing you, you’re not alone. Many parents in these situations believe their child was “talked into” going no-contact by a therapist. That’s a tired talking point of people who don’t understand how therapy works- because they don’t “believe” in it.

A good therapist doesn’t tell you what to do. They help you understand your feelings, explore your options, and make decisions that align with your values. And let’s be honest: no therapist could convince you to walk away from your parent unless there was already a deep, unaddressed pain driving you to consider it.

It’s About Boundaries, Not Blame

No-contact isn’t about blaming your parent for everything that went wrong. It’s about recognizing that, despite your efforts, the relationship isn’t safe or healthy for you.

Parents who feel blindsided often interpret no-contact as an attack, when in reality, it’s a boundary. It’s saying, I can’t continue this relationship as it stands. It’s an act of self-care, not an act of cruelty.

What I Wish Parents Understood

If parents who were estranged from their adult child were willing to listen—and I know that’s a big “if”—I’d want them to understand that this was a last resort for their child; they felt that they were left with no other option. It was your child saying, “I wish you wanted a relationship with me as much as I want one with you, but I have come to accept that you don’t.”

I’d want these parents to know that their child tried, that they stayed longer than they should have at a cost to their emotional wellbeing, and that they would have stayed if the relationship could have been healthier. I’d want them to know that this is one of the most layered decisions someone can make, because while it is them choosing their own health and happiness over having a relationship with you, it comes with so much emotion and grief that their parent was not willing to work for this relationship.

I wish I could say all this, but those conversations often aren’t possible, because the very dynamics that led to no-contact also make accountability feel impossible for your parent. And that’s not on you to fix.

Moving Forward

If you’ve gone no-contact, you’ve likely wrestled with feelings of guilt, sadness, and maybe even doubt. That’s normal. Cutting ties with a parent isn’t something anyone does lightly, and it’s okay to grieve the relationship you wish you could have had.

But I hope you also feel proud of yourself for taking a stand for your mental health. Choosing to walk away from dysfunction doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you strong.

And if you’re still navigating the fallout, know that you’re not alone. There’s a growing community of people just like you—thoughtful, compassionate adults who’ve decided to prioritize their own well-being after years of putting themselves last. And, if you’re needing validation, support, and connection with others in similar situations, I’d love for you to listen to my podcast, You’re Not Crazy. In each episode, I dive into the unique challenges of being the adult child of a parent with borderline or narcissistic traits.

Together, we unpack the guilt, talk about boundaries, and focus on healing. Your story matters. Your feelings are valid. And you’re definitely not crazy for choosing a healthier path forward.