You know what abusive people hate? When you call out their abusive behaviors. So, it doesn’t surprise me when people get angry when I publicly talk about dysfunctional family dynamics. Still, it definitely annoys me when people call me a bad therapist or a bad coach and say that I’m stigmatizing people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. So, let’s get into it.

First of all, it’s not stigmatizing to call out abusive behaviors associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

While discussing these behaviors might seem stigmatizing at first glance, it's essential to shed light on them for the sake of awareness and support, especially for those who find themselves on the receiving end of such abuse.

Educating people about abuse and challenging misconceptions around healthy and unhealthy behaviors is quite literally a part of my job.

As both a psychotherapist and coach, a huge part of my job is teaching people about mental and emotional health, relationships, and abusive dynamics. People can’t set healthy boundaries and make healthy choices unless they understand the ways healthy and unhealthy boundaries and choices look like. And, since my focus is working with the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders (as well as people with a partner, ex, or other family member with BPD or NPD), talking about the abusive behaviors that are a part of these disorders is a major component of what I do.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) manifests with a striking lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD prioritize their own needs above all else, even when it means causing harm to those around them. This disregard for others' well-being stems from a deep-seated sense of entitlement and a belief that they are inherently superior and their needs matter more. Consequently, people with NPD engage in behaviors that are manipulative, exploitative, and emotionally abusive without remorse or consideration for the consequences.

On the other hand, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) presents a different set of challenges. While empathy isn't inherently lacking in individuals with BPD, they do struggle to manage intense and overwhelming emotions including rage. This intense emotional turmoil can make it challenging for people with BPD to empathize with others. Their own inner turmoil consumes so much of their mental and emotional capacity there isn’t much space to consider the emotions and needs of others. And, even when people with BPD are aware of the emotions of others, their own needs and feelings outweigh those of anyone else. Consequently, their interactions with others may be marked by volatility, unpredictability, and sometimes, aggression.

Acknowledging these behaviors isn't about vilifying the people who struggle with these disorders.

Instead, it's about recognizing the harm caused by certain patterns of behavior and fostering understanding and empathy for those impacted by their actions.

For those who find themselves in relationships with individuals exhibiting these behaviors, speaking up and seeking support are vital steps towards healing. Too often, victims of abuse in such relationships are silenced by shame or fear of judgment, further perpetuating the cycle of harm. By openly discussing these behaviors, we empower survivors to recognize and address the abuse they're experiencing, and we encourage a culture of accountability and support.

As adults, we are all responsible for our behaviors. Abusive behaviors are not suddenly acceptable because someone meets criteria for a mental health disorder. So, no, discussing the abusive behaviors linked to borderline and narcissistic personality disorders isn't about perpetuating stigma- it's about fostering awareness, empathy, and support for people who have been on the receiving end of abuse.