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Growing up with manipulative parents, especially those with borderline or narcissistic personality disorders (BPD or NPD), can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and emotionally exhausted. In the latest podcast episode of You’re Not Crazy, I take a deep dive into the unsettling world of parental manipulation, breaking down the tactics commonly used and offering insights to help you navigate these dynamics and reclaim your sense of self.

This episode is for anyone who’s felt the emotional toll of manipulative parenting and is ready to take the first steps toward understanding, healing, and setting boundaries.

The Many Faces of Manipulation

Parental manipulation can show up in a variety of ways, but certain tactics are particularly prevalent in families with a parent affected by BPD or NPD. Here’s a closer look at some of the most damaging behaviors discussed in this episode:

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the parent denies or distorts the child’s reality, causing them to doubt their own perceptions and memories. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind.

In a family setting, gaslighting might look like a parent dismissing your feelings as “too sensitive” or outright denying something you clearly remember happening. Over time, this tactic can erode your confidence in your own reality, leaving you second-guessing yourself.

Triangulation

Triangulation involves pitting family members against each other to maintain control. A parent might favor one sibling while criticizing another, fostering competition and mistrust within the family.

This dynamic doesn’t just create an unhealthy environment—it actively undermines relationships between family members. Recognizing triangulation is a crucial first step toward breaking free from these toxic patterns and rebuilding trust within your family.

Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Blackmail

Guilt-tripping involves making you feel responsible for the parent’s happiness or distress. Phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “You’ll regret this when I’m gone” are hallmarks of this tactic.

Emotional blackmail goes a step further, using threats—such as withdrawing love or financial support—to control your behavior. These tactics exploit emotional vulnerabilities, leaving long-lasting scars on your mental health. Recognizing these patterns can help you step out of the cycle of guilt and reclaim your autonomy.

Projection

Parents with BPD or NPD often project their own feelings or behaviors onto their children, refusing to take personal accountability. For instance, a parent might accuse you of being selfish or manipulative when, in reality, those traits reflect their own actions.

This can be incredibly confusing, especially for a child who may internalize these projections as part of their identity. Understanding that these accusations are reflections of the parent’s issues—not yours—is key to breaking free from this manipulative dynamic.

The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional neglect where the parent withdraws communication and affection as a way to punish or control you. For a child, this can create a profound sense of abandonment and anxiety.

Recognizing it for what it is—a manipulative tool—can help you detach and respond with resilience.

Jealousy and Competitiveness

Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own identities. This can lead to jealousy or resentment when a child achieves success or receives attention the parent perceives as threatening.

Recognizing this dynamic is crucial for breaking free from the cycle of manipulation and reclaiming your right to celebrate your achievements without guilt or fear of retaliation.

“Flying Monkeys”

The term “flying monkeys” refers to enlisting others—family members, friends, or even professionals—to do the parent’s bidding. This might involve pressuring you to comply with the parent’s wishes or pushing for reconciliation on the parent’s terms.

This tactic adds another layer of complexity, making it even more challenging to set and maintain boundaries. Understanding this behavior helps you see through the manipulation and focus on what’s best for your well-being.

Recognizing and Reclaiming

Throughout this episode, I emphasize the importance of recognizing these manipulative behaviors for what they are: tools used to control, not reflections of your worth. By naming and understanding these tactics, you begin to reclaim your power and build healthier, more authentic relationships.

Setting boundaries, seeking support, and prioritizing your mental health are essential steps in this journey. You don’t have to navigate this alone—there are resources, communities, and professionals who understand what you’re going through and can help you take back your peace.

Your Road to Freedom

This episode of You’re Not Crazy is more than just a guide to understanding manipulative parenting—it’s a call to action. Whether you’re just beginning to recognize these patterns or are well into your healing journey, the insights shared in this episode can help you move forward with clarity and confidence.

You deserve relationships built on respect, not control. Tune in to this episode to learn how to navigate the harmful effects of parental manipulation, and take the first steps toward a life where your emotional well-being comes first.

Remember, recognizing manipulation is the first step toward freedom. You have the power to reclaim your peace, set boundaries, and create a life where you’re no longer defined by the shadows of a difficult upbringing. You’ve got this.